"My swoon and I came up with a deal that I was allowed to look at his phone, whenever I wanted, randomly, and he wouldn't think I was a total crazy. And for our first year, I looked at it daily, everyday, I thought the bottom was going to fall out from under me. One time he didn't answer, and I lost my marbles, and went nutso, and was convinced he was cheating....he was asleep. It's a mindfuck, because we are smart people right? Im not an idiot. But, how can we be so dumb?" Keltie posted a blog yesterday on something I've spent the past few weeks dwelling on.
In my first relationship, I was cheated on with a close friend for over half of it. The next person I dated decided he was in love with my best friend a month into the relationship and though it was never addressed, there was clearly some cheating involved. In my last relationship I wasn't cheated on (that I know of) but it abruptly ended which left me completely confused/heartbroken and didn't help with my trust issues. We got back together but I was so closed off at that point that there was no way we could have made it work.
This is my entire relationship history. That's enough to make a girl nuts, right?
Penguin and I have completely different work schedules so I can't even begin to tell you how many times she's fallen asleep after work and I couldn't get a hold of her and I immediately thought she was cheating/dead/being attacked by zombies. We're watching a movie and her phone vibrates. She doesn't pick it up. A rational person would think, "oh that's sweet, she's focusing on her time with me and not her phone." Not I. I think, "she's texting her. The imaginary girl that I've created for her to cheat on me with is texting her and she doesn't want me to see it so she's not picking up her phone."
Completely nuts, right?
In the beginning I would ask her what she was up to and she would respond with "running errands" or something vague. At this point, she's started to gather that I'm nuts and so she gives me a play by play of everything she's doing... even sometimes when she's walking to the fridge to get a water. I love that she's okay with doing whatever she needs to calm my insecurities but I hate that I'm that girl.
I've said it numerous times before but the biggest perk of dating me is that I can guarantee that you won't be the crazy one in the relationship.
Has she given me reason in the past not to trust her? Absolutely. But at what point, do you have to let that go? When someone hurts you and you choose to stay with them, that means you don't hold on to the past, right? Clean slate. How do you convince your brain of this?
And if that person isn't the one that has hurt you, what about past relationships? Why do we constantly bring our old baggage on a new trip?
Who gives a fuck about your first love. Give a big round of applause for your second love, because they taught you love still exists after you thought it never would again.
