Two weeks.

"I believe that suffering is part of the narrative, and that nothing really good gets built when everything’s easy." -Shauna Niequist

It's been exactly two weeks and it still hurts like it was yesterday. I lost something. I lost a part of myself. 

I've recently become REALLY obsessed with Vampire Diaries. One of the vampire perks is the ability to erase someone's memory. One of the main vampires, Damon, uses this power to erase the memory of someone who really cared about who was dealing an incredible loss. He didn't think his friend could handle the suffering so he aided him with forgetfulness. Very Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. 

I've been thinking about that a lot lately, especially in the past week. If I could erase this event from my memory, would I? Most days are harder than others, so I'd say yes. But then there are days like today when I come across things like the Niequist quote. 

I say all of that to say this: things happen. Really really awful things happen. It sucks and it's not fair and it's life. And it really does make you stronger. It doesn't happen over night and I'm not saying I'm at that point by any means. But I will be. And I find comfort in that.

And so should you. 

People need to believe in TWLOHA.

This was posted on PostSecret this week.  I know this is a really sensitive subject so I'm going to attempt to tread lightly.

This was brought to my attention by a former member of the TWLOHA community on Sunday.  I had so many emotions.  I was partly sad that this happened to someone  and partly comforted in knowing I wasn't alone and partly just frustrated and confused by the entire situation.  I discussed it with other TWLOHA friends but I never had any intention of posting anything publicly until tonight when I read TWLOHA's response.

I'm very disappointed with the way TWLOHA chose to handle this.  I believe it's pretty apparent to everyone that this was sent in about their organization.  They were given the perfect opportunity through their blog to address this in the form of an apology.  There should have been some sort of dialogue where they at least acknowledged that someone (whether warranted or not) felt wronged by their organization.  Instead they chose to protect their image by pretending this was never even about them.

I've vaguely mentioned here before about me no longer supporting TWLOHA but I never went into much detail about what happened.  I'm still not going to do that for several reasons; mainly because I've closed that chapter of my life and don't want to bring up all of those feelings again.  But also because I sincerely want people to still believe in TWLOHA's message.  I know that seems bizarre considering everything I've said in this post, but please continue to hear me out...

TWLOHA saved my life.  Many moons ago, Renee's story made me believe that rescue was possible and gave me the hope I'd so desperately searched for.  Shortly after that I began interning for them and met a wonderful group of girls that became my sisters.  Despite everything that transpired after that, I wouldn't take that experience back for anything.

There are so many people out there that were saved by this story.  There are still so many people out there that need to hear it.  TWLOHA started asking questions that everyone was afraid to tackle.  They have almost single-handedly broken the stigma associated with depression and suicide so that thousands of people are not receiving the help they need.  I, for one, am one of those people.

As this postcard makes evident, I was not the only one hurt by this organization.  I have also personally spoken with a few other people who had similar experiences, as well.  BUT.  Once upon a time, this organization saved my life and for that I am eternally grateful.  

It would be great if some honest conversations can begin to take place between TWLOHA and former staff/interns/whatever.  But, I don't think a public domain is the place for this.  People need to believe in TWLOHA and I never want to take that away from them.

This will (hopefully) be the last thing I ever write about this organization.

i find it hard to tell you, i find it hard to take.

the past week has really taken a toll on me emotionally. things i thought i'd moved past all came crashing down. it was a lot to handle.. so i didn't. not handling things is a something i've become very good at over the past few years.

last night i reached my breaking point. and there was no one i could tell. [inset cliche about being surrounded by so many people yet feeling alone here] i'm not looking for a pity party so i spare you details.

after two hours of sleep, i woke up this morning and nothing had changed. in fact, things were starting to get worse. have you ever felt like your brain was literally trying to kill you? it's like you wake up one day afraid you're going to live.

around noon open our eyes received a very generous donation. and then another. and then the support just started to pour in. friends, some i hadn't even spoken to in years, were flooding every social media platform with kind words about the impact open our eyes had on their lives and how they wanted others to experience that. suddenly a financial goal that i never thought was possible was slowly becoming a reality. we still haven't reached our goal.. maybe we will, maybe we won't. it's completely irrelevant to me at this point. knowing that there are so many people out there who believe in this community is more than i could ever ask for. i'm so humbled by the response. and inspired. and encouraged. and every other cliche emotion you can imagine.

in my moment of weakness i forgot to practice what i preach. the lesson is in the struggle not the victory. thank you, open our eyes, for reminding me. thank you for always being my strength. i'm so honored to be a part of this community.