Yes, I'm still a Mormon.

I've been wanting to write this blog for quite some time now but have put it off because contrary to popular opinion, I do not like controversy.  Especially when it comes to matters of the heart like faith and religion.  However, tonight I had a really long talk with my Father and He laid a lot of things on my heart that needed to be poured into this blog.  I welcome open and honest conversation but please tread lightly.  This blog is not meant to negatively represent any group of people.  It's about my experience and my experience alone.  It's also important to note that I'm changing/growing/learning every single day.  The things I believe today are not the things I believed yesterday and not the things I will believe next week, probably.  That's the awesome thing about having a relationship with God - He (or She or whatever you want to call it) challenges you to open your eyes and explore different possibilities daily.  

Before you continue reading, I encourage you to take a deep breath.  Open your heart.  Remember grace and all of those other Christian buzzwords we often throw around in services but tend to completely disregard them when having real conversations, particularly in the blogosphere.  

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I identify as Mormon.  I also identify as queer.  My home is and always will be in the MCC Church.

Let that sink in for a minute.

Now, let me explain...

Church, to me, is more about community and less about doctrine.  (I know that statement is going to ruffle a lot of feathers, so again I ask you, tread lightly.)  Church is like a spiritual hospital where sick people (like all of us humans) can go to receive help.  That help is found through grace and grace alone.  This healing, I've only found in the MCC church, particularly Cornerstone.

I believe in the restoration of the Gospel but more importantly, I believe in inclusive love and intentional outreach to marginalized members of society.  Ya know, actually being the hands and feet of Christ.  I'm also really drawn to passionate worship.  This is what brought me to Cornerstone almost four years ago.  And this is what will keep me there forever.

The loveliest thing about MCC is that we are not encourage to abandon our previous practices/beliefs (as long as they're in line with the gospel, of course) but to also understand that just because it works for us, doesn't mean it works for everyone else.  It's important to find that balance.  I still read my scriptures (including D&C, which are my favorites) daily, follow the Institute lessons, countdown the days until conference, subscribe to Ensign, fast on the first Sunday and my CTR ring will not leave my finger until its replaced with a wedding band.  But most importantly, twice a week I get to walk into the sanctuary holding the hand of the woman I love if I choose, and worship God in communion with people I can truly see His face in.  There aren't any hoops I have to jump through to eat at His table each Sunday.  My sexual organs do not limit me from serving in leadership roles.  

I know many people say this about their church but I believe Cornerstone is exactly what Christ had in mind when he stated to Peter that upon this rock, He'd build his Church.

I see people like Joanna and Natalie and it gives me hope for the future of the Mormon church.  It's still a major part of my identity but it's nowhere I'll ever call home again.  However I'm still thankful for people like these two ladies who are really empowering to those who have chosen to stick it out with the church in hopes of change.  And I do believe that change is coming.  God reveals things to people when they're ready.  His timing is always perfect.  We just have to trust that.

People need to believe in TWLOHA.

This was posted on PostSecret this week.  I know this is a really sensitive subject so I'm going to attempt to tread lightly.

This was brought to my attention by a former member of the TWLOHA community on Sunday.  I had so many emotions.  I was partly sad that this happened to someone  and partly comforted in knowing I wasn't alone and partly just frustrated and confused by the entire situation.  I discussed it with other TWLOHA friends but I never had any intention of posting anything publicly until tonight when I read TWLOHA's response.

I'm very disappointed with the way TWLOHA chose to handle this.  I believe it's pretty apparent to everyone that this was sent in about their organization.  They were given the perfect opportunity through their blog to address this in the form of an apology.  There should have been some sort of dialogue where they at least acknowledged that someone (whether warranted or not) felt wronged by their organization.  Instead they chose to protect their image by pretending this was never even about them.

I've vaguely mentioned here before about me no longer supporting TWLOHA but I never went into much detail about what happened.  I'm still not going to do that for several reasons; mainly because I've closed that chapter of my life and don't want to bring up all of those feelings again.  But also because I sincerely want people to still believe in TWLOHA's message.  I know that seems bizarre considering everything I've said in this post, but please continue to hear me out...

TWLOHA saved my life.  Many moons ago, Renee's story made me believe that rescue was possible and gave me the hope I'd so desperately searched for.  Shortly after that I began interning for them and met a wonderful group of girls that became my sisters.  Despite everything that transpired after that, I wouldn't take that experience back for anything.

There are so many people out there that were saved by this story.  There are still so many people out there that need to hear it.  TWLOHA started asking questions that everyone was afraid to tackle.  They have almost single-handedly broken the stigma associated with depression and suicide so that thousands of people are not receiving the help they need.  I, for one, am one of those people.

As this postcard makes evident, I was not the only one hurt by this organization.  I have also personally spoken with a few other people who had similar experiences, as well.  BUT.  Once upon a time, this organization saved my life and for that I am eternally grateful.  

It would be great if some honest conversations can begin to take place between TWLOHA and former staff/interns/whatever.  But, I don't think a public domain is the place for this.  People need to believe in TWLOHA and I never want to take that away from them.

This will (hopefully) be the last thing I ever write about this organization.

At least my sass is proportional.

It took me a really long time to get to this point but I now wear this shirt proudly and quite regularly... not for the organization itself but for the sisters it gave me...

If you've ever had even just one conversation with me, you know that I interned for To Write Love On Her Arms (TWLOHA) many many moons ago.  After the first year of returning to the "real world" I became very jaded about my experiences there.  A certain situation arose where I felt I was treated very unfairly and to add to that my sisters started having lives of their own and we all started drifting apart.

Fast forward to now.  Over four years later.  

My sister Danielle married her best friend in Central Park today.  I've gotten the chance to really get to know Barbara (her now wife) over the past few months and I couldn't be happier.  Danielle and I have become so much closer in the past year.  She's really helped me become comfortable in my own skin.  She's been a huge part of Open Our Eyes and I'm so inspired by her courage.  I'm really excited to see her soon... and by soon, I mean when it's no longer cold in New York.

These two also got hitched.  On the left is Heidi.  Prior to the Internship, I creeped on her the most.  Thank you, Facebook!  Haha.  I wanted to BE her.  I still do sometimes.  She's so strong and confident and I really admire her for that.  We come from two completely different backgrounds so we see the world a lot differently.  I'm so thankful for that because it's allowed me to learn so much from her.  (Most recently about penises... stay tuned for my blog on circumcision!  Haha.)  On the right is MaryEllen, who drives me BANANAS and seems to think I have too much sass in my small frame.  :)  I recently went through and read old messages between us.  Before we even met, she gave me more encouragement than anyone else in my life.  Her heart is always in the right place and I'm so happy that she's found someone to share her love with.  I really hope I get to move back to California soon. I want us all to raise our little hippie kids together.

Does this tattoo look familiar?  :)  That's Becca's side and I have the same one on my arm.  We both got them for mostly the same reasons.  She was the first friend I made, mostly because of our hourly "meetings", haha.  We learned so much about each other in just the first conversation.  We'd faced a lot of the same demons and I was so encouraged by her strength.  I still am.  We spent the Internship attached at the hip but now we don't talk as much.  I miss her.  But, it's not a bad missage (yeah, I just made up a word!) because I know I can pick up the phone at any time and nothing will have changed.

Paramore was one of my favorite experiences from staying with Monica (the fiery red head in the front) the entire show because everyone else couldn't handle being right in the middle of the crowd madness to Heidi forgetting that she's no longer in California and thus can not drive like a maniac.  Speaking of Monica, it became quite apparent that we were separated at birth.  I'm really excited that we're on the same career path, which means our lives are going to intersect forever.  I love the way she can connect with me on a level that no one else can: through music.

She's not even looking at the road.  More proof that Heidi can't drive as if me saying she's from California wasn't enough proof.

Elizabeth, on the left, is such a bundle of joy.  We bonded over our love of obscure emo lyrics and gay men.  She's hands down the funniest girl I've ever met.  That's what I love the most about her - she can always make me smile.  I don't think I've ever met anyone more opposite of me than this lady in the middle, Sophie.  I remember picking her up from the airport on our first night in Florida and her threatening to throw me out of a moving vehicle because I was playing Britney Spears.  I knew from that moment we would get along just fine.  Haha.  She says whatever she wants whenever she wants.  She's also not afraid to stand out in case you didn't guess that from the hair.  Every time I think of her I think of those Miranda Lambert lyrics (except reversed): she's got a mouth like a sailor and mine is more like a Hallmark card.  She gave me her copy of Blue Like Jazz and it changed my life forever.  It's taken four years, but her be yourself and fuck everyone else attitude is starting to rub off on me.  Whitney is on the right.  I know I've overused this statement but I'm SO encouraged by her strength.  I loved watching her over the years come into the person that she is today. I wish we were a lot closer than we currently are.  She inspires me so much, especially with her role in GRRRL Camp.

I tell this story at all of the Open Our Eyes events but I've ever actually told her.  This pretty mama is Cynthia and she's the reason for Open Our Eyes.  The first night I met her she talked about how depression and suicide were such taboo subjects in the Hispanic community.  Being a minority, I related to this, as well.  We talked of how not being able to talk about these things because they were "white issues" which causing many people to never get help.  That summer I revamped Open Our Eyes and our focus became on minority groups.  I'm so thankful for her and the impact that conversation had on my life.  She's one of the most beautiful people I know inside and out.

This is my soulmate.  Sarah.  We laugh about it now but this was the only picture I took of her.  Why?  Because I was not a fan of her existence.  Haha.  We didn't speak two words to each other until our last night in Florida.  That night we sat on the front porch for hours and I told her what I was too afraid to share with everyone else that night.  She listened.  And she understood.  I was secretly fighting some of the same demons she'd dealt with.  We talked almost everyday for the next two years.  She helped me get over the hardest part of my life.  She was a bazillion miles away and the only one who knew about my addiction and still stuck around until I beat it.  I can't thank her enough.  We still talk quite a bit but these days our conversations consist of what I could possibly eat while in Africa, when I'm going to marry her super cute brother and her teaching me about how babies are born.  She's been a huge part of everything in my life in the past four years and will continue to be for all eternity.  I miss seeing her face so much it makes my heart hurt.  The first few years were really hard but now I'm able to listen to On Your Porch by The Format all the way through.  I still cry because I miss her but lately it's been more of a happy cry because I'm so thankful to have such an incredible sister and even though she's more than an arm's reach away, we've got Skype.  :)

I'm not the girl in this picture anymore.  It's interesting because when Becca took this picture, I remember thinking that I'd never be happier than I was in that very moment.  Little did I know that within a year, my life would begin to completely fall apart.  Now as I type this, I think that this is the happiest I'll ever be.  It's not because things are going so well in my life by any means.  It's because I'm looking back on my experience with fondness for the first time in years.  And for the first time in years, I'm really becoming close to (most of) my sisters again.

I think back on this night quite often.  I don't think any of us anticipated what would happen.  I wasn't brave enough to share my story but was so encouraged by the strength of my sisters.  I still remember every story and I'm still strengthened by them daily.  Nothing in my life will ever compare to sitting against this wall for hours listening to my sisters pour their hearts out about their struggles and redemption.  This night was my salvation and I don't think I could ever express how grateful I am to have shared it these people.

There are four girls I didn't mention here but not because I don't love them dearly.  We've just grown apart and it's taken me a really long time to realize this but that's completely okay.  That's life.  But, these girls are forever ingrained in my heart.  They really are my sisters and I couldn't ask for a better family.  <3