Yes, I'm still a Mormon.

I've been wanting to write this blog for quite some time now but have put it off because contrary to popular opinion, I do not like controversy.  Especially when it comes to matters of the heart like faith and religion.  However, tonight I had a really long talk with my Father and He laid a lot of things on my heart that needed to be poured into this blog.  I welcome open and honest conversation but please tread lightly.  This blog is not meant to negatively represent any group of people.  It's about my experience and my experience alone.  It's also important to note that I'm changing/growing/learning every single day.  The things I believe today are not the things I believed yesterday and not the things I will believe next week, probably.  That's the awesome thing about having a relationship with God - He (or She or whatever you want to call it) challenges you to open your eyes and explore different possibilities daily.  

Before you continue reading, I encourage you to take a deep breath.  Open your heart.  Remember grace and all of those other Christian buzzwords we often throw around in services but tend to completely disregard them when having real conversations, particularly in the blogosphere.  

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I identify as Mormon.  I also identify as queer.  My home is and always will be in the MCC Church.

Let that sink in for a minute.

Now, let me explain...

Church, to me, is more about community and less about doctrine.  (I know that statement is going to ruffle a lot of feathers, so again I ask you, tread lightly.)  Church is like a spiritual hospital where sick people (like all of us humans) can go to receive help.  That help is found through grace and grace alone.  This healing, I've only found in the MCC church, particularly Cornerstone.

I believe in the restoration of the Gospel but more importantly, I believe in inclusive love and intentional outreach to marginalized members of society.  Ya know, actually being the hands and feet of Christ.  I'm also really drawn to passionate worship.  This is what brought me to Cornerstone almost four years ago.  And this is what will keep me there forever.

The loveliest thing about MCC is that we are not encourage to abandon our previous practices/beliefs (as long as they're in line with the gospel, of course) but to also understand that just because it works for us, doesn't mean it works for everyone else.  It's important to find that balance.  I still read my scriptures (including D&C, which are my favorites) daily, follow the Institute lessons, countdown the days until conference, subscribe to Ensign, fast on the first Sunday and my CTR ring will not leave my finger until its replaced with a wedding band.  But most importantly, twice a week I get to walk into the sanctuary holding the hand of the woman I love if I choose, and worship God in communion with people I can truly see His face in.  There aren't any hoops I have to jump through to eat at His table each Sunday.  My sexual organs do not limit me from serving in leadership roles.  

I know many people say this about their church but I believe Cornerstone is exactly what Christ had in mind when he stated to Peter that upon this rock, He'd build his Church.

I see people like Joanna and Natalie and it gives me hope for the future of the Mormon church.  It's still a major part of my identity but it's nowhere I'll ever call home again.  However I'm still thankful for people like these two ladies who are really empowering to those who have chosen to stick it out with the church in hopes of change.  And I do believe that change is coming.  God reveals things to people when they're ready.  His timing is always perfect.  We just have to trust that.

Everything I have is yours.

Today is Tuesday so I know you're expecting a music post.  Not happening, kittens.  Several things have happened over the past few days and it's really been on my heart to blog about them tonight.

Today my car caught on fire.

Yes, on fire.  I was sitting at a redlight and my car just shut off.  I immediately turned on my caution lights and started digging for my phone (to call my mommy, of course) when I started hearing a woman yelling "get out of the car" and blowing her horn.  That's when I saw the smoke.  I've been having a problem with my door the past few weeks (which I was supposedly getting fixed this Friday) so it took me a little bit to actually get out of the car, which made it terrifying.  I'd barely made it away from the car when the flames started.  

So many people stopped to help me.  Complete strangers.  And y'all, I was in the middle of Redneck Central so I was not expecting that at all.  The car is totaled.  I'm really worried about how I'm going to afford to buy a new one in the very near future especially with me having to rent a car, as well, until then.  Why can't money grow on trees?  

I'm really upset about my car but when I think about the fact that I probably shouldn't even be alive it doesn't matter.  I'm so thankful for my life and it reaffirms everything I've been thinking in the past few days which is what the rest of this little bloggity blog is going to be about.

I know I'm a little late but yesterday I finally got around to listening to reading General Conference talks and taking notes.  In Elder Quentin Cook's talk he talked about how immersion in the scriptures is essential for spiritual nourishment.  He said it "inspires commitment and acts as a healing balm for hurt feelings, anger or disillusionment".  He ends with, "it's never too late to make the Savior's Atonement the foundation of our faith and lives".  The next talk is from Ann Dibbs and she said something that really tugged at my heartstrings: "With so many distractions, do we have strength, discipline and commitment to remain focused on what matters most?  Are we as well versed in gospel truths as we are in our studies, careers, hobbies, sports or our texts and tweets?  Do we actively seek to find answers to our questions by feasting on the scriptures and the teachings of the prophets?  Do we seek the confirmation of the Spirit?  The importance of gaining knowledge is an eternal principle... As our gospel knowledge increases, we will begin to feel confident in our testimonies."  

Hmm... notice a pattern?

Scriptures.  Gospel knowledge.

I'm not the worst at reading my scriptures but I'm certainly not the best.  I go through periods where I'm diligently reading daily then others where it's once or twice a week.  I'm really working on becoming more consistent with this.  I want to truly know the Gospel.  As Dibbs also mentioned in her talk, this is only the result of diligent and deliberate effort, which is a process of a lifetime.  But, I'm a firm believer of enduring until the end.  :)  I need friends to keep me accountable to this.

On the topic of friends, I really am working on having more friends that keep me accountable instead of adding more stumbling blocks in my path.  As a result, I've been spending a lot more time at home.  Alone, ha.  Please pray that God places these people in my life soon.

But back to the scriptures...

I woke up from a nap this evening to find a letter from the old pastor of my church. He's been an incredible mentor to me and I can't even begin to put into words how much he has changed my life in the past three years.  His letter further validated everything that I've been praying about over the past few weeks.  Then the letter ended with a note about... you guessed it... scripture.  "God has a plan for your life and reveals it a day at a tine.  The Word will be the best road map because it will teach you to trust, hope and believe."

And just to tie it all together, I sat and reread my notes from church on Sunday.  Pastor Sandy spoke about embracing our talents and using them for ministry.  She mentioned how God's gifts and calls to you are IRREVOCABLE and gives us grace to answer that call.  Our playing small does not serve the world or God.  I've had a calling on my heart for many years which involves teaching of scripture.  I don't want to say too much about it yet, though many of you are already aware and have been telling me the exact same thing for years.  But, Pastor Sandy also mentioned Psalm 139, which states that God has been shaping us for ministry since before we were even born.  (How crazy is that if you really think about it?!)  I feel like reading that was the giant lightning bolt from heaven sign that I've been asking for.

With all that being said, I'm ready to embrace this.  God everything I have is YOURS.  Please break my heart for the things that break yours.  Make me decrease so that you may increase.