I just haven't met you yet.

You understand that my career will always be high on my list of priorities. You listen when I complain about how overworked I am even though I say the same thing everyday. You enjoy five hour drives to Atlanta so I can shoot my favorite bands. You never get tired of hearing me say, "this one time on Warped Tour..."

You know it takes me two hours to get ready and you don't complain because you appreciate the final result. ;) You also know I'm always late so you tell me I need to be somewhere an hour before I actually do.

You let me watch Criminal Minds and SVU right before bed even though I will think everyone is trying to kidnap, rape and/or murder me the following day.

Date nights are important. You crave adventure just as much as I do. You solemnly swear that we will never ever ever do dinner and a movie. One day we may even buy a last minute plane ticket across the country... just because umm YOLO?

Also, very important: you never say YOLO. Or own crocs.

Must love cupcakes. And cats. And my cat named Cupcake.

You appreciate my California heart but know that I have a southern soul that craves country music and barefoot blue jean nights.

I want to tell you what I'm thinking each week through mix CD's. When you get to work, I want to have flowers waiting on your desk. I want you to steadily find little love notes from me hiding in all of your things. I want to celebrate monthaversaries.

I want to pray with and for you every night. I want us to study scripture together. I want you to share with me things God has placed on your heart. I want us to grow together spiritually.

I want to love you. With everything I have. I know you're out there. And you're waiting for me. I just haven't met you yet.

What if the one that got away came back?

I fell in love.  Three years ago.

But there was a HUGE problem.

Now we both have separate lives and lovers.  Insignificantly enough, we both have significant others.  Only time will tell.  Time will turn and tell. - Anberlin

We never crossed that line but I knew in my heart this person was the one I was supposed to be with.  This person ended their relationship and I ended mine shortly after.  Only to have this person return to theirs mere days later.  The next few years were full of that.  A lot of back and forth.  A lot of actions I'm not proud of.  A lot of loneliness.  And a lot of hope.

Fast forward to today.  Three years later.  The timing couldn't be more perfect.  It was as if the entire universe got together and finally decided we deserved our dream. We decided to give it a try.  Finally.

As you may have already guessed, this isn't a fairy tale.  This story doesn't end with us defying odds and being together.  In fact it ended terribly.  I've spent the past month in a place I never thought I'd return to.  

Out of respect for this person, I'm not going into details.

What I will say is...

I love this person tremendously.  I've thought I was in love with other people but this has been the only person I was ever completely sure of.  I can't just turn off that switch and pretend I don't have these feelings.  I think a part of me will always have those feelings.  But in the wise wise words of Miss Swift, WE ARE NEVER EVER EVER GETTING BACK TOGETHER.

There are several purposes for sharing this story here.  One is to put to rest the rumors/speculations floating throughout the social media world.  I'm like a little kid at Christmas when it comes to relationships.  I want to show EVERYONE my new toy.  This gets me in trouble sometimes because when the toy breaks (relationship ends), everyone wants to know every sordid detail since I paraded it in their face up until that point.

Another purpose of sharing this here is to defend atypical relationships.  One thing I learned from Big/Carrie and Whitney/Sara is to let NO ONE define your love but you.  Just because your love doesn't look like someone else's doesn't mean it isn't love.  I've spent the past few months... well three years, actually... being told what love is supposed to look like, what a relationship is supposed to look like, what a girlfriend is supposed to do, etc.  Don't misunderstand me, this relationship was definitely doomed from the start and a lot of things transpired that were not at all my fault, but my desire to make it something it wasn't certainly played a large role in that demise.  YOU know what you want.  So what if it's not what everyone else wants?  Stop trying to put YOUR relationship in a box.

Sometimes things fall apart so better things can fall together.  But sometimes things just fall apart.  And that's okay.  Be okay with that.  YOU'RE GOING TO BE OKAY.  You know what's awesome about your heart breaking?  It means you're able to feel which means you're ALIVE.  It may mean you have to fight like hell to make it whole again, but YOU'RE ALIVE.

Tuesday Tunes: Demi Lovato

I'm OBSESSED with this song right now.  It's "Give Your Heart A Break" by Demi Lovato.  Enjoy!

.................................................................

The day I first met you
You told me you'd never fall in love
But now that I get you
I know fear is what it really was

Now here we are
So close yet so far
Haven't I passed the test
When will you realize
Baby, I'm not like the rest

Don't wanna break your heart
Wanna give your heart a break
I know you're scared it's wrong
Like you might make a mistake
There's just one life to live
And there's no time to wait, to waste
So let me give your heart a break, give your heart a break
Let me give your heart a break, your heart a break
Oh yeah, yeah

On Sunday you went home alone
There were tears in your eyes
I called your cell phone, my love
But you did not reply

The world is ours if we want it
We can take it if you just take my hand
There's no turning back now
Baby, try to understand

Don't wanna break your heart
Wanna give your heart a break
I know you're scared it's wrong
Like you might make a mistake
There's just one life to live
And there's no time to wait, to waste
So let me give your heart a break, give your heart a break
Let me give your heart a break, your heart a break

There's just so much you can take
Give your heart a break
Let me give your heart a break, your heart a break
Oh yeah, yeah

When your lips are on my lips
And our hearts beat as one
But you slip out of my fingertips
Every time you run, whoa-oh-whoa-oh-oh

Don't wanna break your heart
Wanna give your heart a break
I know you're scared it's wrong

Like you might make a mistake
There's just one life to live
And there's no time to wait, to waste
So let me give your heart a break
(Let me give your heart a break)

'Cause you've been hurt before
I can see it in your eyes
You try to smile it away, some things you can't disguise
Don't wanna break your heart
Maybe, I can ease the ache, the ache
So let me give your heart a break, give your heart a break
Let me give your heart a break, your heart a break

There's just so much you can take
Give your heart a break
Let me give your heart a break (your heart), your heart a break (a break)
Oh yeah, yeah

The day I first met you
You told me you'd never fall in love

Tuesday Tunes: Babel Edition

 Babel

“And my ears hear the call of my unborn sons.  And I know that choices color all I’ve done.  But I’ll explain it all to the watchman’s son.  I ain't never lived a year better spent in love.”

“I'll know my weakness, know my voice.  And I'll believe in grace and choice.” 

“So come down from your mountain and stand where we’ve been.  You know our breath is weak and our body thin.  Press my nose up to the glass around your heart.  I should’ve known I was weaker from the start.  You’ll build your walls and I will play my bloody part to tear, tear them down.”

Whispers in the Dark

“Spare my sins for the ark.  I was too slow to depart.  I'm a cad but I'm not a fraud.  I'd set out to serve the Lord.”

I Will Wait

“Now I'll be bold as well as strong, and use my head alongside my heart.  So tame my flesh and fix my eyes, a tethered mind freed from the lies.”

“Raise my hands, paint my spirit gold.  Bow my head, keep my heart slow.”

Holland Road

“And I will not tell the thoughts of hell that carried me home from the Holland Road with my heart like a stone.  I put up no fight to your callous mind and from your corner you rose to cut me down.  You cut me down.”


“But I'll still believe though there's crack's, you'll see.  When I'm on my knees I'll still believe.  And when I've hit the ground, neither lost nor found.  If you'll believe in me, I'll still believe.”

Ghosts That We Knew

“You saw my pain washed out in the rain and broken glass, saw the blood run from my veins.  But you saw no fault, no cracks in my heart.”

“So give me hope in the darkness that I will see the light… But I will hold as long as you like.  Just promise me we'll be alright.”

Lover of the Light

“But I'd be yours if you'd be mine.”

“Stretch out my life and pick the seams out.  Take what you like but close my ears and eyes or watch me stumble over and over.”

“I had done wrong, you built your tower.  But call me home and I will build a throne and wash my eyes out never again.”

“And in the middle of the night I may watch you go.  There'll be no value in the strength of walls that I'll have grown.  There'll be no comfort in the shade of the shadows thrown.  You may not trust the promises of the change I'll show.  But I'd be yours if you'd be mine.”

Lover's Eyes

Love was kind for a time.  Now just aches and it makes me blind.  This mirror holds my eyes too bright.  I can't see the others in my life.”

“Tame the ghosts in my head that run wild and wish me dead.  Should you shake my ash to the wind, Lord, forget all of my sins.  Oh, let me die where I lie ‘neath the curse of my lover's eyes.”

Reminder

“A constant reminder of where I can find her, a light that might give up the way is all that I’m asking, for without her I’m lost.  Oh my love, don’t fade away.”

“So I watched the world tear us apart, a stoic mind and a bleeding heart.  You never seen my bleeding heart.”

Hopeless Wanderer

“So when your hope's on fire but you know your desire, don't hold a glass over the flame.  Don't let your heart grow cold.  I will call you by name.  I will share your road.”

“But do not tell me all is fine.  When I lose my head I lose my spine.”

“I will learn to love the skies I'm under.”

Broken Crown

“The pull on my flesh was just too strong, stifled the choice and the air in my lungs.  Better not to breathe than to breathe a lie ‘cause when I open my body I breathe a lie.”

“Now in this twilight, how dare you speak of grace?”

Below My Feet

“Keep my eyes to serve, my hands to learn.”

Not With Haste

“We will run and scream.  You will dance with me.  They'll fulfill our dreams and we'll be free.  And we will be who we are.  And they'll heal our scars.  Sadness will be far away.”

“And I will love with urgency but not with haste.”

For Those Below (Bonus Track)

“Helpless, she lies across the stairs haunting your days, consuming your prayers.  There will be healing but don't force this girl to stand as she's counting the ceilings with pale voice and trembling hands.”

“Wanting change but loving her just as she lies is the burden of the man who's built his life on love.”

The Boxer (Paul Simon Cover) [Bonus Track]

“Such are promises, all lies and jest.  Still, a man hears what he wants to hear and disregards the rest.”

Where Are You Now (Bonus Track)

“As we walked the city streets, you never said a word.  When we finally sat down
your eyes were full of spite.  I was desperate, I was weak.  I could not put up a fight.”