Tuesday Tunes: Skinny Love (Birdy Cover)

Come on skinny love just last the year,

Pour a little salt you were never here,

My my my, my my my, my-my my-my...

Staring at the sink of blood and crushed veneer.

Tell my love to wreck it all,

Cut out all the ropes and let me fall,

My my my, my my my, my-my my-my...

Right in the moment this order's tall.

And I told you to be patient,

And I told you to be fine,

And I told you to be balanced,

And I told you to be kind,

And in the morning I'll be with you,

But it will be a different kind,

'Cause I'll be holding all the tickets,

And you'll be owning all the fines.

Come on skinny love, what happened here?

Suckle on the hope in light brassieres,

My my my, my my my, my-my my-my...

Sullen load is full, so slow on the split.

And I told you to be patient,

And I told you to be fine,

And I told you to be balanced,

And I told you to be kind,

And now all your love is wasted,

Then who the hell was I?

'Cause now I'm breaking at the britches,

And at the end of all your lies.

Who will love you?

Who will fight?

And who will fall far behind?

Come on skinny love,

My my my, my my my, my-my my-my...

My my my, my my my, my-my my-my.

A Collection of Heart Ramblings

"The best way to get over a girl is to turn her into literature." - 500 Days of Summer

Konstantine is a two part series about my greatest love. Part one, Challenge Accepted, is about the beginning. It's new and refreshing and painfully beautiful.  

Part two is about the end. Because that's what love does. 

It begins and then it ends. 

You can purchase part one here for only $5. No matter if you love or hate it, I'd like to know your thoughts so please leave me a review on Amazon. Part two will be available next month. Both will be available in print in December. Hopefully. 

I'm incredibly thankful for my friends (especially you, Daniel) who have really pushed me to publish my writing. I've always been so terrified of people reading my words then a few years ago I started blogging but I never thought I'd venture outside of that and publish things more intimate. But I'm really glad I did because the feedback has been overwhelmingly positive. 

In case you missed it, I published my first short story, "If You Go, I Go" back in June. You can purchase it here. 

It's also featured in the summer issue of Wilde Magazine. 

Tuesday Tunes: Wrecking Ball

We clawed, we chained, our hearts in vain
We jumped, never asking why
We kissed, I fell under your spell
A love no one could deny

Don't you ever say I just walked away
I will always want you
I can't live a lie, running for my life
I will always want you

I came in like a wrecking ball
I never hit so hard in love
All I wanted was to break your walls
All you ever did was wreck me
Yeah you, you wreck me

I put you high up in the sky
And now, you're not coming down
It slowly turned, you let me burn
And now, we're ashes on the ground

Don't you ever say I just walked away
I will always want you
I can't live a lie, running for my life
I will always want you

I came in like a wrecking ball
I never hit so hard in love
All I wanted was to break your walls
All you ever did was wreck me
I came in like a wrecking ball
Yeah, I just closed my eyes and swung
Left me crouching in a blazing fall
All you ever did was wreck me
Yeah you, you wreck me

I never meant to start a war
I just wanted you to let me in
And instead of using force
I guess I should've let you win
I never meant to start a war
I just wanted you to let me in
I guess I should've let you win

Don't you ever say I just walked away
I will always want you

I came in like a wrecking ball
I never hit so hard in love
All I wanted was to break your walls
All you ever did was wreck me
I came in like a wrecking ball
Yeah, I just closed my eyes and swung
Left me crouching in a blazing fall
All you ever did was wreck me
Yeah you, you wreck me
Yeah you, you wreck me

Challenge Accepted: Heart Ramblings

Over the past several months, I've accumulated quite a few writings on love.  On September 19th, those words are being released in a book.

It isn't about one girl in particular, but rather all of the girls I've ever given my heart to.  It was really hard putting this together but now that it's completed, I look back on these writings fondly.  The feelings on these pages no longer apply to the people they were written for but I still have those feelings and one day I'll be able to share them with someone.  Just not now.  And not any time soon.  

I'm not the same scared little girl who wrote these words.  I lost myself in the quest to find my soulmate and I'm finally getting on track again.  This book is a reminder of how strongly I'm capable of loving but also a warning for me to not drown myself in loving someone else again.

Random Fact: September 19th marks four months of something incredible happening in my love life.  19 times 4 is 76, which is how many pages this book has.

From Jenny Schecter to Shane McCutcheon

My entire life has been one serious relationship after another where I was always the one who loved more.  I spent so much of my life waiting to be completed, thinking that I was only a minor character in someone else's tale.

Then one day, I woke up and decided I didn't want to feel that way anymore.  So, I changed.

Just like that.

Those closest to me think that I'm going through some sort of quarter life crisis as the result of a heartbreak and have initiated several interventions.  But hold the calvary, I assure you this is not the case.  This is not a cry for help, this is not an in-between stage until my Princess or Prince Charming comes along.  This is the first well-thought out life change I've ever made.

I'm not a heartless person.  I still care about things and people so much that it hurts sometimes.  It's just not in the romantic/relationship sense.  I have family, which includes my best friends, that I will catch a literal grenade for.  (Okay, maybe not catch the grenade because that's silly, but I would push them out of the way of said grenade.)  And that, is the essence of Shane.  She's a loyal friend with an incredible soul.  She treats the women in her life like the princesses they are, while still being completely honest about her lack of desire for any sort of commitment.  She likes you, but she also likes a lot of other people.  The problems arise through no fault of her own.  It's through the women who are convinced they will be that one girl who can change her.  STOP DOING THAT.  Take this for what it is.

Stop settling.  Stop this never-ending quest for "the one" that will complete you.  YOU COMPLETE YOU.  The girls (or guys for my 10% heterosexual readers) are just there to make the ride more interesting.

Two weeks.

"I believe that suffering is part of the narrative, and that nothing really good gets built when everything’s easy." -Shauna Niequist

It's been exactly two weeks and it still hurts like it was yesterday. I lost something. I lost a part of myself. 

I've recently become REALLY obsessed with Vampire Diaries. One of the vampire perks is the ability to erase someone's memory. One of the main vampires, Damon, uses this power to erase the memory of someone who really cared about who was dealing an incredible loss. He didn't think his friend could handle the suffering so he aided him with forgetfulness. Very Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. 

I've been thinking about that a lot lately, especially in the past week. If I could erase this event from my memory, would I? Most days are harder than others, so I'd say yes. But then there are days like today when I come across things like the Niequist quote. 

I say all of that to say this: things happen. Really really awful things happen. It sucks and it's not fair and it's life. And it really does make you stronger. It doesn't happen over night and I'm not saying I'm at that point by any means. But I will be. And I find comfort in that.

And so should you. 

25 Things I've Learned About Love

I know I promised my 25 Things I've Learned About Love blog over a month ago.  But, better late than never, right?  I'm glad I'm posting it now as opposed to then because so much has changed in the past month.  In the past one month exactly as of today.

1) It happens when you least expect it.  By the time you realize it, it will be too late to stop it.  The best things in life are surprises from the universe.  I'm learning to appreciate that.

2) "When I started dating, I had this kind of Romeo and Juliet, fateful, romantic idea about love.  It was almost that you were a victim - that there was a lot of pain involved and that was how it should be.  Shakespeare said the course of true love never did run smooth and I had a sense it had to be painful.  It was such a revelation to realize it shouldn't be that way and you get to choose who you love and who you give your heart to." - Emma Watson

3)  "We accept the love we think we deserve."  If you don't love yourself, you can't expect anyone else to love you.  Until you realize your worth, you will continue to settle for people who tear you apart.  

4) "You had anxiety, so I held my breath until you finally took one."  In true love, if one hurts, you both hurt.  There's no separation between problems.  You hurt and then you get through them together.  Always.  The greatest perk of love is not having to undergo life alone.

5)  There's no such thing as not enough time.  We always find time for the things we truly care about.

6)  I feel that a lot of these statements may imply that I believe there's no pain in love.  That's not the case; there most certainly is.  Because there's pain in life.  But a relationship should not be defined by pain and hurt and heartbreak.  Eminem's Love The Way You Lie is not love.  It's insanity.

7)  1 Corinthians is correct in stating that love is patient, but that isn't an invitation for you to make yourself a doormat.  You can only hit your head on the same doorway so many times before you learn to duck.

8)  You will discover things you enjoy that you never even considered before.  For me, I discovered I enjoy cooking and two years ago I couldn't even make popcorn without setting off the smoke alarm.

9) Love delights in your accomplishments. Your success is their success. You should never have to downplay the things you accomplish. Your partner should ways be proud of you. 

10) There has to be a balance between loving yourself and loving your relationship. You can't love your relationship so much that you completely lose yourself. 

I'm stopping at ten things. I will add more to this list as I continue to grow and learn more. I'm learning everyday as I've found someone who regularly challenges my definition of love. She's wrecked everything I know and every preconceived notion I've ever had about the way I deserved to be treated.  I'm thankful for that. 

What if the one that got away came back?

I fell in love.  Three years ago.

But there was a HUGE problem.

Now we both have separate lives and lovers.  Insignificantly enough, we both have significant others.  Only time will tell.  Time will turn and tell. - Anberlin

We never crossed that line but I knew in my heart this person was the one I was supposed to be with.  This person ended their relationship and I ended mine shortly after.  Only to have this person return to theirs mere days later.  The next few years were full of that.  A lot of back and forth.  A lot of actions I'm not proud of.  A lot of loneliness.  And a lot of hope.

Fast forward to today.  Three years later.  The timing couldn't be more perfect.  It was as if the entire universe got together and finally decided we deserved our dream. We decided to give it a try.  Finally.

As you may have already guessed, this isn't a fairy tale.  This story doesn't end with us defying odds and being together.  In fact it ended terribly.  I've spent the past month in a place I never thought I'd return to.  

Out of respect for this person, I'm not going into details.

What I will say is...

I love this person tremendously.  I've thought I was in love with other people but this has been the only person I was ever completely sure of.  I can't just turn off that switch and pretend I don't have these feelings.  I think a part of me will always have those feelings.  But in the wise wise words of Miss Swift, WE ARE NEVER EVER EVER GETTING BACK TOGETHER.

There are several purposes for sharing this story here.  One is to put to rest the rumors/speculations floating throughout the social media world.  I'm like a little kid at Christmas when it comes to relationships.  I want to show EVERYONE my new toy.  This gets me in trouble sometimes because when the toy breaks (relationship ends), everyone wants to know every sordid detail since I paraded it in their face up until that point.

Another purpose of sharing this here is to defend atypical relationships.  One thing I learned from Big/Carrie and Whitney/Sara is to let NO ONE define your love but you.  Just because your love doesn't look like someone else's doesn't mean it isn't love.  I've spent the past few months... well three years, actually... being told what love is supposed to look like, what a relationship is supposed to look like, what a girlfriend is supposed to do, etc.  Don't misunderstand me, this relationship was definitely doomed from the start and a lot of things transpired that were not at all my fault, but my desire to make it something it wasn't certainly played a large role in that demise.  YOU know what you want.  So what if it's not what everyone else wants?  Stop trying to put YOUR relationship in a box.

Sometimes things fall apart so better things can fall together.  But sometimes things just fall apart.  And that's okay.  Be okay with that.  YOU'RE GOING TO BE OKAY.  You know what's awesome about your heart breaking?  It means you're able to feel which means you're ALIVE.  It may mean you have to fight like hell to make it whole again, but YOU'RE ALIVE.