A Collection of Heart Ramblings

"The best way to get over a girl is to turn her into literature." - 500 Days of Summer

Konstantine is a two part series about my greatest love. Part one, Challenge Accepted, is about the beginning. It's new and refreshing and painfully beautiful.  

Part two is about the end. Because that's what love does. 

It begins and then it ends. 

You can purchase part one here for only $5. No matter if you love or hate it, I'd like to know your thoughts so please leave me a review on Amazon. Part two will be available next month. Both will be available in print in December. Hopefully. 

I'm incredibly thankful for my friends (especially you, Daniel) who have really pushed me to publish my writing. I've always been so terrified of people reading my words then a few years ago I started blogging but I never thought I'd venture outside of that and publish things more intimate. But I'm really glad I did because the feedback has been overwhelmingly positive. 

In case you missed it, I published my first short story, "If You Go, I Go" back in June. You can purchase it here. 

It's also featured in the summer issue of Wilde Magazine. 

From Jenny Schecter to Shane McCutcheon

My entire life has been one serious relationship after another where I was always the one who loved more.  I spent so much of my life waiting to be completed, thinking that I was only a minor character in someone else's tale.

Then one day, I woke up and decided I didn't want to feel that way anymore.  So, I changed.

Just like that.

Those closest to me think that I'm going through some sort of quarter life crisis as the result of a heartbreak and have initiated several interventions.  But hold the calvary, I assure you this is not the case.  This is not a cry for help, this is not an in-between stage until my Princess or Prince Charming comes along.  This is the first well-thought out life change I've ever made.

I'm not a heartless person.  I still care about things and people so much that it hurts sometimes.  It's just not in the romantic/relationship sense.  I have family, which includes my best friends, that I will catch a literal grenade for.  (Okay, maybe not catch the grenade because that's silly, but I would push them out of the way of said grenade.)  And that, is the essence of Shane.  She's a loyal friend with an incredible soul.  She treats the women in her life like the princesses they are, while still being completely honest about her lack of desire for any sort of commitment.  She likes you, but she also likes a lot of other people.  The problems arise through no fault of her own.  It's through the women who are convinced they will be that one girl who can change her.  STOP DOING THAT.  Take this for what it is.

Stop settling.  Stop this never-ending quest for "the one" that will complete you.  YOU COMPLETE YOU.  The girls (or guys for my 10% heterosexual readers) are just there to make the ride more interesting.

Tuesday Tunes - New Anthems

I'm obsessed with these two songs right now.  They're a pretty accurate descriptions of my outlook on life at the moment...

What The Hell - Avril Lavigne

You say that I'm messin' with your head
(Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah)
All 'cause I was making out with your friend
(Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah)
Love hurts whether it's right or wrong
(Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah)
I can't stop, 'cause I'm having too much fun
(Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah)

You're on your knees, beggin' please "stay with me"
But honestly, I just need to be a little crazy
All my life I've been good but now
Ooohhh
I'm thinking "What the hell?"
All I want is to mess around, and I don't really care about
If you love me, if you hate me
You can't save me, baby, baby
All my life I've been good but now whoa "What the hell?"

What, What, What, What the hell?

So what if I go out on a million dates?
(Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah)
You never call or listen to me anyway
(Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah)
I'd rather rage than sit around and wait all day
(Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah)
Don't get me wrong, I just need some time to play
(Yeah)

You're on your knees, beggin' please "stay with me" (Va fan!)
But honestly, I just need to be a little crazy (Crazy!)

All my life I've been good but now
Ooohhh
I'm thinking "What the hell?"
All I want is to mess around, and I don't really care about
If you love me, if you hate me
You can't save me, baby, baby
All my life I've been good but now whoa "What the hell?"

La la la la la la la la whoa whoa [x2]

(La la la la la la la la)
You say that I'm messing with your head
Boy, I like messing in your bed
(La la la la la la la la)
Yeah, I am messing with your head
When I'm messing with you in bed

All my life I've been good but now
Ooohhh
I'm thinking "What the hell?"
All I want is to mess around, and I don't really care about
All my life I've been good but now
Ooohhh
I'm thinking "What the hell?"
All I want is to mess around, and I don't really care about
If you love me, if you hate me
You can't save me, baby, baby
All my life I've been good but now whoa "What the hell?"

La, la,
La la la la la,
La,
La la la la la, la

Thanks For Nothing - Fefe Dobson

The best part of my life since you've been gone 

Is to sing as loud as I want in the car

I’m turnin’ it up without you

It's the best part, it's the best part

Take as long a shower as I want

Take my time to put my make-up on

Live my life without you

It's the best part, it's the best part

You made it easier to let you go (let you go)

You made it to say

Thanks for nothing

Thanks for giving my life back

Thanks for showing me what I don't need

Thank you that's a wrap 

Thanks for leaving

Now I'm gonna cel-O-brate

Cause my nights are free 

And I can be, with anyone I like

Thanks goodbye

The best part of my life since you've been gone 

Is waking up in someone else's arms

And feeling beautiful.

It's the best part, it's the best part

My game is stronger than it's ever been

Turning heads whenever I walk in 

If you could see me now

It's the best part, it's the best part

You made it easier to let you go (let you go)

You made it to say

Thanks for nothing

Thanks for giving my life back

Thanks for showing me what I don't need

Thank you that's a wrap 

Thanks for leaving

Now I'm gonna cel-O-brate

Cause my nights are free 

And I can be, with anyone I like

Thanks goodbye

If you hadn't been so cold

Then I'd never be this hot

And I never felt so good.

I'm just saying thanks a lot

Thanks for giving my life back

Thanks for showing me what I don't need

Thank you that's a wrap

Thanks for leaving

Now I'm gonna cel-O-brate

Cause my nights are free 

And I can be, with anyone I like

Thanks for nothing

Thanks for giving my life back

Thanks for showing me what I don't need

Thank you that's a wrap 

Thanks for leaving

Now I'm gonna cel-O-brate

Cause my nights are free 

And I can be, with anyone I like

Thanks goodbye

I won't love a ghost.

I had this incredibly long post written out for almost a week and was just waiting to post it today.  Then, I decided against it.  She doesn't deserve those words right now.  My thoughts on love and relationships for this week can be summed up by a quote from Vampire Diaries.

Fight for it. Feel something... Because if you don't, you're going to lose me forever. I won't love a ghost for the rest of my life. - Vampire Diaries

Challenge Accepted (Sample Chapter)

Here's a sample of the new story I'm working on.  You can purchase my last one, If You Go, I Go, for Kindle here.  If you purchase it, please let me know your thoughts by leaving a review.  Also, all of the sales from this story go directly to Open Our Eyes' recovery efforts.

***************

I’m something not everyone knows how to love.  But, she does.  She accepted that challenge.  I wake up in the middle of the night and roll over.  She’s still there.  She’s always there.  I position half of my body on top of her in a way that doesn't cause her to wake.  We lay heartbeat to heartbeat.  Every time she inhales, it pulls my heart closer into hers.  She is the roots that keep me grounded into this place. 

She is home to me.

***************

I did an interview last week about If You Go, I Go.  I was asked why the story was so tragic.  My response?  Because that's life.  Things can be extremely good, as shown through Allyson and Conor falling in love.  But things can also be extremely bad.  Life has both, which is why this story shows both.  I'm not a pessimist as many people have pegged me mainly because of this story.  The new short story title, Challenge Accepted, actually started as a joke because my mum suggested that I was incapable of writing a happy love story.  I think I have a different concept of happy than most people.  Authenticity makes me happy.  Challenge Accepted is an authentic love story... interpret that however you'd like.

I just want to hold your hand.

We were walking around the mall trying to decide where to eat for lunch.  I reached for your hand the way I'd seen all the other boys and girls doing that passed us.  You immediately pulled away.  I didn't understand.  All I knew was that I was 15 and in love and all I wanted to do was hold your hand.

After lunch, we went to see a movie.  As we walked in the theater and searched for seats, I reached for your hand again.  After all, I'd seen all the other couples doing the same thing.  You had the same reaction as before.  I was so confused.  I was 15.  I was in love.  I just wanted to hold your hand.

This continued for a few weeks before I finally questioned you.  I asked why you were keeping us a secret.  Were you ashamed of me?  Was it the tie that Avril Lavigne had convinced me was cool?  Was it the extra pounds you'd lost that I'd somehow found?  You assured me I was perfect in every way, that our love was perfect but the world just wouldn't understand.  I told you I didn't understand.  You told me I would as I got older and asked me to drop the topic altogether.  You were always saying things like that.  I wanted to understand now.  The only thing I could wrap my head around was that I was 15 and in love and all I wanted was to hold your dang hand.

It was Saturday morning and I was watching cartoons.  Yes, I was 15 and too cool to kiss my mother goodbye when she dropped me off at school; however I would never be too cool to watch Pepper Ann with my Cinnamon Toast Crunch.  I heard the AOL chime from my computer and ignored it.  Then it happened again.  And again.  By the fourth time, I knew it had to be you because only you would ignore my SaTuRdAy MoRnInG CaRtOoNs away message.  I put on my “I’m 15 and in love” smile and hopped on Instant Messenger.

You sent me paragraphs of explanations and expletives.  It was too much to process.  Only certain words stood out.  Your friend.  Scotty.  Beaten.  Stabbed.  Strangled.  Burned.  DEAD.

I was 15.
I was in love.
And I finally understood why I couldn't hold your hand.

Exactly 9 years later...  I’m now 24 and in love and not afraid to hold her hand.  I wish Scotty could have lived to see this.

(Note: This is not to say that life on the Gulf Coast is completely different.  There are still certain times of night and certain areas where we drop hands.  There are still even times when we are holding hands that I can feel stares and hear whispers.  But, I'm not 15 anymore and afraid for my life every time I hold a girl's hand.  Times are slowly changing.)

Yes, I'm still a Mormon.

I've been wanting to write this blog for quite some time now but have put it off because contrary to popular opinion, I do not like controversy.  Especially when it comes to matters of the heart like faith and religion.  However, tonight I had a really long talk with my Father and He laid a lot of things on my heart that needed to be poured into this blog.  I welcome open and honest conversation but please tread lightly.  This blog is not meant to negatively represent any group of people.  It's about my experience and my experience alone.  It's also important to note that I'm changing/growing/learning every single day.  The things I believe today are not the things I believed yesterday and not the things I will believe next week, probably.  That's the awesome thing about having a relationship with God - He (or She or whatever you want to call it) challenges you to open your eyes and explore different possibilities daily.  

Before you continue reading, I encourage you to take a deep breath.  Open your heart.  Remember grace and all of those other Christian buzzwords we often throw around in services but tend to completely disregard them when having real conversations, particularly in the blogosphere.  

++++++++++++

I identify as Mormon.  I also identify as queer.  My home is and always will be in the MCC Church.

Let that sink in for a minute.

Now, let me explain...

Church, to me, is more about community and less about doctrine.  (I know that statement is going to ruffle a lot of feathers, so again I ask you, tread lightly.)  Church is like a spiritual hospital where sick people (like all of us humans) can go to receive help.  That help is found through grace and grace alone.  This healing, I've only found in the MCC church, particularly Cornerstone.

I believe in the restoration of the Gospel but more importantly, I believe in inclusive love and intentional outreach to marginalized members of society.  Ya know, actually being the hands and feet of Christ.  I'm also really drawn to passionate worship.  This is what brought me to Cornerstone almost four years ago.  And this is what will keep me there forever.

The loveliest thing about MCC is that we are not encourage to abandon our previous practices/beliefs (as long as they're in line with the gospel, of course) but to also understand that just because it works for us, doesn't mean it works for everyone else.  It's important to find that balance.  I still read my scriptures (including D&C, which are my favorites) daily, follow the Institute lessons, countdown the days until conference, subscribe to Ensign, fast on the first Sunday and my CTR ring will not leave my finger until its replaced with a wedding band.  But most importantly, twice a week I get to walk into the sanctuary holding the hand of the woman I love if I choose, and worship God in communion with people I can truly see His face in.  There aren't any hoops I have to jump through to eat at His table each Sunday.  My sexual organs do not limit me from serving in leadership roles.  

I know many people say this about their church but I believe Cornerstone is exactly what Christ had in mind when he stated to Peter that upon this rock, He'd build his Church.

I see people like Joanna and Natalie and it gives me hope for the future of the Mormon church.  It's still a major part of my identity but it's nowhere I'll ever call home again.  However I'm still thankful for people like these two ladies who are really empowering to those who have chosen to stick it out with the church in hopes of change.  And I do believe that change is coming.  God reveals things to people when they're ready.  His timing is always perfect.  We just have to trust that.

Love wins every time.

Today DOMA was ruled unconstitutional and Proposition 8 was dismissed on grounds that proponents lack standing.  In other breaking news, the ocean is wet.

One day, the idea of voting on someone else's rights is going to seem completely barbaric.  The greatest thing I've seen today was on Twitter by Dave Holmes: As we celebrate today, let's spare a warm thought for our opponents, who have lost absolutely nothing.

No freedom 'til we're equal.  Damn right, I support it. - Macklemore 

Welcome to the future.

You hear that?

What's that sound?

Shhhh.... listen....

Sounds a lot like....

FREEDOM.

For the first time in my life I can say I'm proud to be an American. In addition to Obama being re-elected, the Senate elected its first open/out lesbian, first disabled woman and first Asian American woman. In other words, BINDERS FULL OF AWESOME. Four states voted on marriage equality and four states WON. I can't wait for the day when voting on someone else's human rights is seen as completely barbaric but for now I'll take what I can get.

I am very unapologetic about my beliefs and my decision to voice them. Loudly. I will not stop talking about how proud I am to be on the right side of history.

Mysogyny did not win. Homophobia did not win. Classism did not win. Racism did not win. Religious fundamentalism did not win. Bigotry did not win. Men who made light of rape did not win.

Women won. The LGBT community and it's allies won. Racial minorities won. The poor won. The middle class won. The elderly won. Students won. Teachers won. Children of single parents won. The sick won. The international community won.

Love won.

Love wins.

EVERY TIME.

We did it, y'all. We really did it. Celebrate how far hard we've fought and how far we've come. But don't stop! This is only the beginning. There's still work to do. Our freedom begins with the election of the POTUS but it doesn't end there. Please be just as present in politics on social media and in your own community as you've been the past few months. We have to keep fighting and please show up for the next election the way you did with this one. And the next one. And the next one. This country can't undo years and years of wrong overnight. But, Alhumdullilah, we are finally on our way.

Four more years. Four more years. Four more years. Four more years.
As Brad Paisley said, welcome to the future.

What if the one that got away came back?

I fell in love.  Three years ago.

But there was a HUGE problem.

Now we both have separate lives and lovers.  Insignificantly enough, we both have significant others.  Only time will tell.  Time will turn and tell. - Anberlin

We never crossed that line but I knew in my heart this person was the one I was supposed to be with.  This person ended their relationship and I ended mine shortly after.  Only to have this person return to theirs mere days later.  The next few years were full of that.  A lot of back and forth.  A lot of actions I'm not proud of.  A lot of loneliness.  And a lot of hope.

Fast forward to today.  Three years later.  The timing couldn't be more perfect.  It was as if the entire universe got together and finally decided we deserved our dream. We decided to give it a try.  Finally.

As you may have already guessed, this isn't a fairy tale.  This story doesn't end with us defying odds and being together.  In fact it ended terribly.  I've spent the past month in a place I never thought I'd return to.  

Out of respect for this person, I'm not going into details.

What I will say is...

I love this person tremendously.  I've thought I was in love with other people but this has been the only person I was ever completely sure of.  I can't just turn off that switch and pretend I don't have these feelings.  I think a part of me will always have those feelings.  But in the wise wise words of Miss Swift, WE ARE NEVER EVER EVER GETTING BACK TOGETHER.

There are several purposes for sharing this story here.  One is to put to rest the rumors/speculations floating throughout the social media world.  I'm like a little kid at Christmas when it comes to relationships.  I want to show EVERYONE my new toy.  This gets me in trouble sometimes because when the toy breaks (relationship ends), everyone wants to know every sordid detail since I paraded it in their face up until that point.

Another purpose of sharing this here is to defend atypical relationships.  One thing I learned from Big/Carrie and Whitney/Sara is to let NO ONE define your love but you.  Just because your love doesn't look like someone else's doesn't mean it isn't love.  I've spent the past few months... well three years, actually... being told what love is supposed to look like, what a relationship is supposed to look like, what a girlfriend is supposed to do, etc.  Don't misunderstand me, this relationship was definitely doomed from the start and a lot of things transpired that were not at all my fault, but my desire to make it something it wasn't certainly played a large role in that demise.  YOU know what you want.  So what if it's not what everyone else wants?  Stop trying to put YOUR relationship in a box.

Sometimes things fall apart so better things can fall together.  But sometimes things just fall apart.  And that's okay.  Be okay with that.  YOU'RE GOING TO BE OKAY.  You know what's awesome about your heart breaking?  It means you're able to feel which means you're ALIVE.  It may mean you have to fight like hell to make it whole again, but YOU'RE ALIVE.

If it walks like a bigot, talks like a bigot... it's a bigot.

I know none of you will believe this because I'm not exactly known for keeping my mouth shut, but I really have tried my hardest to not say too much today about the imbeciles flocking to Chick-fil-a.

But, that ends now.

I'm the most intolerant person you'll ever meet apparently because if you know the severe harm Chick-fil-a is causing to a large group of people and STILL choose to support them, there's no room for you in my life. This is not about one comment made by Dan Cathy.  This is about years and years of hate and discrimination.  There's nothing good about an organization that uses shock treatment on teenagers and tells them they're beyond God's grace.  That's exactly what Exodus International does and that is one of the many hate groups that your beloved Chick-fil-a supports.  Don't you dare tell me this is an issue of freedom of speech/religion when people are DYING because of it.

It really baffles me how people can argue with facts.  Educate yourselves here.  Why support a company that's working so hard to deny people their rights?

And for the love of all things holy, Christians, please please please stop posting about how you're being persecuted. (Notice I said you not we because I don't want to be included in your shenanigans; you're making me look bad.)  If you want to talk about persecution, let's talk about the things YOU are doing to people all across the universe in the name of Jesus.  Cut it out.

I'm glad this whole Chick-fil-a shenanigans happened when it did though because through Facebook I've been able to easily point out who the bigots are and remove them from my life.

EDIT:

Eat mor chikin.. but not at Chick-fil-a.

Above is a copy of the letter from the mayor of Boston to Dan Cathy.  Many things have been misquoted so you should definitely take a look at the actual letter yourself.

For the past few weeks, I've remained quiet on the Chick-fil-a issue.  I hadn't really formed a solid opinion and furthermore, I didn't really care to.  I felt like people on both sides of the issue were throwing stones and straying away from the issue at hand.  And more importantly, I just wanted to eat my chicken nuggets in peace without having to question their religious beliefs.  They are chicken nuggets, after all.

Now the issue has gotten so out of hand that I couldn't ignore it.  It was clear that this one wasn't going to blow over.  I've taken the past week to finally sit down and fomulated my thoughts/beliefs on the issue without influence from either side...

I am a very firm believer that the only reason you should or shouldn't eat at a restaurant is the taste of their food.  I don't really care if the owner of a company supports or not supports my religious/political beliefs.  HOWEVER, the president of Chick-fil-a does not know how to separate his personal beliefs from the company and have made several comments regarding what the company represents.  And you know what?  That's totally their prerogative.  Believe whatever you want, run your company however you want.   That's one of the perks of living in the great U S of A. (However, I do have a few questions regarding government funding for something that is clearly a religious organization - how does that work exactly?  I need to research it more.)

You know what my prerogative is, though?  To not spend my money at establishments who's beliefs do not coincide with mine.  

Those in support of Chick-fil-a continuously argue that has the right to believe whatever they'd like and are furious with the boycott.  I don't really understand this logic.  It's okay for Chick-fil-a to make bold statements that alienate a very large group of people but it's not okay for those alienated people to decide to no longer support them?

I think both sides of the issue need to take a step back and think before they make certain comments.  A blogger said, "Christian business owners are no longer allowed to express religious opinions in Boston".  No no and no.  No one ever said this.  You as an individual who just so happens to be a christian business owner can express your religious opinions until you're blue in the face.  It becomes a completely different issue when you say "[insert company name here] believes..." and if you can't see the major difference in that, you have problems that reach beyond this Chick-fil-a issue.

On the reverse side, people need to stop making rash comments such as, "if they find out I'm gay, they won't serve me."  No.. you're wrong.  Cathy is not going to create a gaydar that buzzes every time someone gay or a supporter of the gay community walks through the doors and you will not be immediately sprinkled with holy water.

Furthermore, the comments that were made by Cathy extend far beyond the gay community.  His statement means Chick-fil-a does not support single parents; people who aren't married to their first wives; and really depending on what denomination's interpretation of scripture that you adhere to, people in interracial marriages.

I don't care where you spend your money.  If you want to spend it at Chick-fil-a, go for it.  If you don't want to, that's cool too.  I, however, choose (praise God for agency/free will!) not to support establishments who are very vocal about things I do not support or believe in.   I have done this with several other companies, so Chick-fil-a is just one more being added to that list.

If you do choose to no longer support Chick-fil-a, I ask you to do more than just not eat there.  Educate yourself on what's actually going on.  Become involved.  It's easy to sit around complaining on the Internet.  DO SOMETHING.

Sara is like scabies. You can never totally get rid of her.

The episode begins with Showtime trying to trick us into thinking Whitney and Romi are together.  I don't know what non-Twitter universe they seem to think we're living in but both girls have been very vocal about their current relationships so we all know that wasn't the case.  Nice try, though, Showtime.  And kudos to Whitney on the new car.. movin' on up.

I'm not impressed with any of the New York cast.  Maybe it should have been more diverse.   Having everyone from the same band just seems very one dimensional. Maybe these ladies will grow on me.  From what I've read, the general consensus is that everyone else that watches agrees.  The awful freestyle from Amanda's friend didn't help too much with the ratings either.

The Cori/Kacy storyline is going to be really heartbreaking.  For those of you who don't know what happens, I won't say too much.  Also, shameless plug, check out the blog Kacy wrote for Open Our Eyes regarding her faith: openoureyes.org/2012/07/10/catholic-not-christian-kacy-boccumini.

House of Whitney's exes.. there should probably be a revolving door.  Other than Cori/Kacy, these seem to be the only ladies I'm really going to like this season.  Too bad they're not main characters.  The highlight of it all was Rachel's reaction to Romi's BJ comment.  Someone please please make a GIF of this.

When Alyssa runs back to Whitney to gossip about the bi-bomb that Romi dropped, my favorite thing to ever come from Whitney's mouth occurs: Why would anyone cast her out for that reason?  There are so many more to choose from.

Okay, and now my rant begins...

I'm at my breaking point with the GLBT community leaving out the B.   Bisexuals are not confused.   Bisexuality is not a pit stop on the way to Gaytown.  It's not being greedy.  Or double dipping, as some people like to joke.  Some people are attracted to both men and women and NEWSFLASH: that's okay!  The community as a whole is so allergic to the term bisexual and it's disheartening.  Stop with this "pick a team" nonsense.   It's so baffling to me that a community that has been treated so unfairly would choose to alienate anyone.  Ever.  The comments I've read because of Romi are disgusting.  Cut it out.

end rant.

Equally as baffling is Sara's comment about Romi doing things for attention.  Umm, hey pot, this is kettle, YOU'RE BLACK.

I'm not a Romi fan by any means.  It's been apparent from the beginning that very few things about her are genuine.  And I'm not really sure what gave her the idea that looking like your current lover's ex is ever a good thing.  I'm really interested to see how the show is going to portray her relationship.  I completely welcome portraying a bisexual character.  After all, The L Word had Alice.  The show even had a completely heterosexual main character: Kit.  Unfortunately, I feel that there were certain episodes where it was apparent Showtime was attempting to appeal to a heterosexual male audience.  I hope this show doesn't take that route and alienate it's majority lesbian fan base.

Breaking up with Romi looks great on Kelsey, though.  I think it's safe to say Kelsey will not have a problem finding someone who adores her.  Wink wink, nudge nudge.

I don't even want to comment on the Whitney/Sara marriage shenanigans.  Someone made a comment on Twitter that pretty much sums up my thoughts: Gotta have to agree with the vast right wing conspiracy to keep Sara from getting married.  But only her.

I hope this entire season isn't focused on figuring out or commenting on Romi's sexuality.  She doesn't need anymore attention.  I hope there's more Kelsey.  I hope Rachel continues to pop up.  I hope the entire New York cast gains personalities.

I also highly recommend someone creating a shower scene drinking game.

Bottoms up.