I just want to hold your hand.

We were walking around the mall trying to decide where to eat for lunch.  I reached for your hand the way I'd seen all the other boys and girls doing that passed us.  You immediately pulled away.  I didn't understand.  All I knew was that I was 15 and in love and all I wanted to do was hold your hand.

After lunch, we went to see a movie.  As we walked in the theater and searched for seats, I reached for your hand again.  After all, I'd seen all the other couples doing the same thing.  You had the same reaction as before.  I was so confused.  I was 15.  I was in love.  I just wanted to hold your hand.

This continued for a few weeks before I finally questioned you.  I asked why you were keeping us a secret.  Were you ashamed of me?  Was it the tie that Avril Lavigne had convinced me was cool?  Was it the extra pounds you'd lost that I'd somehow found?  You assured me I was perfect in every way, that our love was perfect but the world just wouldn't understand.  I told you I didn't understand.  You told me I would as I got older and asked me to drop the topic altogether.  You were always saying things like that.  I wanted to understand now.  The only thing I could wrap my head around was that I was 15 and in love and all I wanted was to hold your dang hand.

It was Saturday morning and I was watching cartoons.  Yes, I was 15 and too cool to kiss my mother goodbye when she dropped me off at school; however I would never be too cool to watch Pepper Ann with my Cinnamon Toast Crunch.  I heard the AOL chime from my computer and ignored it.  Then it happened again.  And again.  By the fourth time, I knew it had to be you because only you would ignore my SaTuRdAy MoRnInG CaRtOoNs away message.  I put on my “I’m 15 and in love” smile and hopped on Instant Messenger.

You sent me paragraphs of explanations and expletives.  It was too much to process.  Only certain words stood out.  Your friend.  Scotty.  Beaten.  Stabbed.  Strangled.  Burned.  DEAD.

I was 15.
I was in love.
And I finally understood why I couldn't hold your hand.

Exactly 9 years later...  I’m now 24 and in love and not afraid to hold her hand.  I wish Scotty could have lived to see this.

(Note: This is not to say that life on the Gulf Coast is completely different.  There are still certain times of night and certain areas where we drop hands.  There are still even times when we are holding hands that I can feel stares and hear whispers.  But, I'm not 15 anymore and afraid for my life every time I hold a girl's hand.  Times are slowly changing.)