I woke up insanely early yesterday and spent seven solid hours in this spot watching How I Met Your Mother while working. Starting a new project, getting things together for a new client, catching up on 50+ emails sent throughout the night, getting new interns adjusted... just a typical day.
That night I received a text from my GBF missing our friendship. He wants me there and I would love to be there but my work and life are here now so I want him here. The people you need the most moving away is the part of growing up that really never gets easier. I miss him so much.
I've been journaling so much in the past few days and last night was no exception. Especially after the conversation with the GBF.
3am and I finally fell asleep.. only to wake up less than two hours later for Fajr.
Got all of these Open Our Eyes bracelet orders mailed today. It was such a humbling feeling to know how many people support the Open Our Eyes community. So happy to have an amazing team behind me now.
This is how I look after almost forty eight hours of non-stop work. Sexy, right? The messy hair and glasses are what do it for you, right? I know, I know. And to answer the question that is on everyone's mind right now, yes I am available. Please direct all relationship inquiries to my assistant/mother.
It's now 10pm and I'm finally in bed.. only to do more work. Getting ready for a Band Aid Records meeting via Skype and then working on a project for a potential client.
People change. feelings change. It doesn't mean that the love that was once shared wasn't true and real. It simply just means that sometimes when people grow, they grow apart.
thank you for everything you taught me. you couldn't have loved me better.
the past week has really taken a toll on me emotionally. things i thought i'd moved past all came crashing down. it was a lot to handle.. so i didn't. not handling things is a something i've become very good at over the past few years.
last night i reached my breaking point. and there was no one i could tell. [inset cliche about being surrounded by so many people yet feeling alone here] i'm not looking for a pity party so i spare you details.
after two hours of sleep, i woke up this morning and nothing had changed. in fact, things were starting to get worse. have you ever felt like your brain was literally trying to kill you? it's like you wake up one day afraid you're going to live.
around noon open our eyes received a very generous donation. and then another. and then the support just started to pour in. friends, some i hadn't even spoken to in years, were flooding every social media platform with kind words about the impact open our eyes had on their lives and how they wanted others to experience that. suddenly a financial goal that i never thought was possible was slowly becoming a reality. we still haven't reached our goal.. maybe we will, maybe we won't. it's completely irrelevant to me at this point. knowing that there are so many people out there who believe in this community is more than i could ever ask for. i'm so humbled by the response. and inspired. and encouraged. and every other cliche emotion you can imagine.
in my moment of weakness i forgot to practice what i preach. the lesson is in the struggle not the victory. thank you, open our eyes, for reminding me. thank you for always being my strength. i'm so honored to be a part of this community.
I was raised to believe that when you hurt someone, you apologize. Immediately. You humble yourself and you ask for forgiveness. It's hard for me to wrap my head around people living their entire lives knowing they've caused harm and do nothing about it.
How do you sleep at night?
Please don't comment on this with Bible verses stating that I should forgive no matter what. I appreciate the sentiment but I've heard it enough today.
I'm hurt and I just needed to vent.
And needed you to know that I'm still here.. all you have to do is apologize.
And here it is, the playlist i've been hinting at for weeks: my summer collection. It would be embarrassing if I had any shame, but you all know from my excessive use of "Call Me Maybe" lyrics in daily life, shame is something I lack.
Below is the song list. You can listen to it on Spotify. I'll continue to add more to it in the next few weeks.
You're welcome.
A failed relationship isn't the end of your story; it's just the end of a chapter. your happy ending is still on the way. - cory copeland
After eight months of trying to figure out if we would work out and then finally deciding to take that official leap, the boy and I called it quits two weeks ago. I've been mute on the entire situation for the sake of everyone involved but as my other (worse?) half said here, I can't not write about it. I know many Christian girls have probably found themselves in this same situation and I hope this helps somewhat.
This is incredibly important to me. I thought it wasn't.. or I tried to pretend that it wasn't, at least. I've heard the verse about being "unequally yoked" so many times throughout my life that it's become a cliche but the older I get, the more I realize how accurate it is. If God is the center of your life, it's impossible to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't share that belief.
I feel like so many people in my life, especially girls, are sacrificing something incredibly important simply for the sake of being in a relationship. Whatever it is - faith, desire for marriage, lifestyle, sexuality, WHATEVER, don't compromise what's in your heart for the sake of winning someone else's. Relationships are about give/take on both ends but there's only so much you can give before you lose yourself and ultimately lose your relationship, anyway.
This isn't a bash the boy blog in the least bit. He is such an incredible person and we're working on continuing being friends. To throw another cliche in there, I sincerely wish nothing but the best for him. We simply weren't meant to be more than friends because of our faith differences. It's something we knew could be a problem which is why we spent so long weighing the odds. I liked him so much that I thought I could eventually get over the fact that something as major as faith would be missing from our relationship. I remember sitting in church two weeks ago and thinking how I'd never get to share that with him. That's not something I want in a significant other. Yes, it's important that we can go out together and have a great time and share the same passions, such as music. But it's also important that we pray together. I want God to be the center of any relationship I have.
So, here I am... single again. I feel like I say that phrase quite a bit and you know what? That's okay. So many people give up after so many failed relationships but I'm such a Charlotte York at heart. This is just the end of one chapter.
Last weekend, I had a shoot with Favored Sons, a band from Tallahassee. You can check out the rest of the pictures from the shoot and more of my photography here: http://itsbrittnyphotography.tumblr.com. I'm still learning a lot and you can definitely see the progression from shoot to shoot. I'm really happy to be able to have the time to focus on this now as more than just a hobby. If you live in the Mobile area and want to allow me to practice on you, please let me know. You get FREE pictures so it's a win/win.
I'm not too crazy about Kelly Clarkson. I remember being dragged to see her in concert a few years ago. I don't dislike her and I was even using one of her songs in my wedding... just not someone I'm too crazy about musically. I felt she hit her peak at "All I Ever Wanted" and it was all downhill from there.
Until last night.
I randomly listened to "Stronger" the title track from her last album. And cried. I'm talking mascara running down my face and everything. It really resonated with something that's going on in my life right now. This caused me to purchase the entire Stronger album and I'm in love.
So, for this week's Tuesday Tunes I've made a pretty sweet Spotify playlist of my favorite Kelly Clarkson songs: what doesn't kill you. Enjoy.
Also, some really amazing guys released an EP a few days ago. It's only six bucks. You can purchase it here: www.knoxhamilton.bandcamp.com.
You're welcome.
i try not to be overly critical when books are turned into movies. sometimes i'm pleasantly surprised at how well the movie adaptation is, like with eat, pray, love for instance. some i'm too nervous about to even watch, such as extremely loud & incredibly close. if we've ever had a conversation, then you know how much perks of being a wallflower changed my life. it's something i try to bring into every conversation at all times. it's a magical story that helped me survive middle school then high school then again in college when i read it a final time. it's inspired many tattoos, my career, choice of friends - everything. i spent three years as an active member of a livejournal community where i exchanged letters with my own personal "friend" just like charlie. every college admission essay was based on the moment i felt infinite.
i've had so much anxiety over the past two years since i found out a movie was being made. most of it was nervousness but a great deal of it was actual excitement. needless to say, that excitement bubble was burst tonight when i watched the trailer.
WHAT THE H-E-DOUBLEHOCKEYSTICKS WERE YOU THINKING, CHBOSKY?!
there is one thing that was quite apparent to anyone that has actually read the book. patrick was not flamboyant. gay does not equal flamboyant queen. his sexuality was subtle in the book.. why is it being made into something it's not?
and the icing on the cake is the misuse of the most famous quote from the book: and in that moment we swear we WERE infinite. i understand creative license and that not everything will be word for word from the book, however who thought it would be wise to change the most well known quote?
i feel like this was such a tough book to transform into a movie because it's such a huge part of many people's lives so i'm trying not to be overly critical. as chbosky himself said, "it's strange because sometimes i read a book and i think i am the people in the book." i just feel that it will be much more immature/lighthearted than i hoped for. and apparently there are licensing issues with "asleep" by the smiths. i really hope that gets sorted out because that's such a crucial part of the story. i discovered today that chbosky actually wrote the screenplay and is directing it, so i'm going to trust he knows these characters better than anyone and there's a reason for everything. it's just really tough when someone else's interpretation of a character replaces yours.
i miss my livejournal community tremendously. if anyone would like to have a charlie/friend relationship with me and exchange letters, my heart will be overjoyed. we can do it through snail mail or email - whichever you prefer. you can message me here or you can email me brittny[at]itsbrittny[dot]com. i feel this type of thing works better with complete strangers but i'm pretty open so if any friends would like to do this, i'm down.
and now, i'll end this with my favorite quotes from the book that defined my adolescence...
i just need to know that someone out there listens and understands and doesn't try to sleep with people even if they could have. i need to know that these people exist.
_____________________________________
we accept the love we think we deserve.
_____________________________________
so, this is my life. and i want you to know that i am both happy and sad and i'm still trying to figure out how that could be.
_____________________________________
i would die for you. but i won't live for you.
_____________________________________
so, i guess we are who we are for alot of reasons. and maybe we'll never know most of them. but even if we don't have the power to choose where we come from, we can still choose where we go from there. we can still do things. and we can try to feel okay about them.
_____________________________________
there's nothing like deep breaths after laughing that hard. nothing in the world like a sore stomach for the right reasons.
_____________________________________
i think that if i ever have kids, and they are upset, i won't tell them that people are starving in china or anything like that because it wouldn't change the fact that they were upset. and even if somebody else has it much worse, that doesn't really change the fact that you have what you have.
_____________________________________
she wasn't bitter. she was sad, though. but it was a hopeful kind of sad. the kind of sad that just takes time.
_____________________________________
and i guess i realized at that moment that i really did love her. because there was nothing to gain, and that didn't matter.
_____________________________________
please believe that things are good with me, and even when they're not, they will be soon enough. and i will always believe the same about you.
_____________________________________
i walked over to the hill where we used to go and sled. there were a lot of little kids there. i watched them flying. doing jumps and having races. and i thought that all those little kids are going to grow up someday. and all of those little kids are going to do the things that we do. and they will all kiss someone someday. but for now, sledding is enough. i think it would be great if sledding were always enough, but it isn't.
_____________________________________
downtown. lights on buildings and everything that makes you wonder. and in that moment, i swear we were infinite.
_____________________________________
it's much easier to not know things sometimes. things change and friends leave. and life doesn't stop for anybody. i wanted to laugh. or maybe get mad. or maybe shrug at how strange everybody was, especially me. i think the idea is that every person has to live for his or her own life and than make the choice to share it with other people. you can't just sit their and put everybody's lives ahead of yours and think that counts as love. you just can't. you have to do things. i'm going to do what i want to do. i'm going to be who i really am. and i'm going to figure out what that is. and we could all sit around and wonder and feel bad about each other and blame a lot of people for what they did or didn't do or what they didn't know. i don't know. i guess there could always be someone to blame. it's just different. maybe it's good to put things in perspective, but sometimes, i think that the only perspective is to really be there. because it's okay to feel things. i was really there. and that was enough to make me feel infinite. i feel infinite.
_____________________________________
i don't even remember the season. i just remember walking between them and feeling for the first time that i belonged somewhere.
_____________________________________
there is this one photograph that is just beautiful. it would be impossible to describe how beautiful it is, but i’ll try. if you listen to the song “asleep,” and you think about those pretty weather days that make you remember things, and you think about the prettiest eyes you’ve known, and you cry and the person holds you back, then i think you will see the photograph.
_____________________________________
it's just hard to see a friend hurt this much. especially when you can't do anything except be there. i just want to make him stop hurting, but i can't. so i just follow him around whenever he wants to show me his world.
_____________________________________
sam and patrick looked at me. and i looked at them. and i think they knew. not anything specific really. they just knew. and i think that's all you can ever ask from a friend.
_____________________________________
he's a wallflower. you see things. you keep quiet about them. and you understand.
_____________________________________
patrick actually used to be popular before sam bought him some good music.
_____________________________________
it's like he would take a photograph of sam, and the photograph would be beautiful. and he would think that the reason the photograph was beautiful was because of how he took it. if i took it, i would know that the only reason it's beautiful is because of sam.
_____________________________________
i just want you to know that you’re very special and the only reason i’m telling you is that i don’t know if anyone else ever has.
_____________________________________
it's like when you’re excited about a girl and you see a couple holding hands, and you feel so happy for them. and other times you see the same couple, and they make you so mad. and all you want is to feel happy for them because you know that if you do, then it means you’re happy, too.
_____________________________________
personally, i like to think my brother is having a college experience like they do in the movies. i don't mean the big fraternity party kind of movie. more like the movie where the guy meets a smart girl who wears a lot of sweaters and drinks cocoa. they talk about books and issues and kiss in the rain. i think something like that would be very good for him, especially if the girl were unconventionally beautiful. they are the best kind of girls, i think. i personally find super models strange. i don't know why this is.
_____________________________________
then, i turned around and walked to my room and closed my door and put my head under my pillow and let the quiet put things where they are supposed to be.
_____________________________________
maybe these are my glory days, and i'm not ever realizing it because they involve a ball.
_____________________________________
you can't just sit there and put everybody's lives ahead of yours and think that counts as love. you just can't. you have to do things.
_____________________________________
i can't think again. not ever again. i don't know if you've ever felt like that. that you wanted to sleep for a thousand years. or just not exist. or just not be aware that you do exist. or something like that.
_____________________________________
girls are weird, and i don't mean that offensively. i just can't put it any other way.
_____________________________________
i just wish that God or my parents or sam or my sister or someone would just tell me what's wrong with me. just tell me how to be different in a way that makes sense. to make this all go away.
