Tuesday Tunes: Everything Has Changed

[Taylor Swift]
All I knew this morning when I woke
Is I know something now, know something now I didn't before
And all I've seen since eighteen hours ago
Is green eyes and freckles in your smile
In the back of my mind making me feel like

[Taylor Swift]
I just wanna know you better, know you better, know you better now
I just wanna know you better, know you better, know you better now

[Both]
I just wanna know you better, know you better, know you better now
I just wanna know you, know you, know you

[Both]
'Cause all I know is we said, "Hello."
And your eyes look like coming home
All I know is a simple name
Everything has changed
All I know is you held the door
You'll be mine and I'll be yours
All I know since yesterday is everything has changed

[Ed Sheeran]
And all my walls stood tall painted blue
And I'll take them down, take them down and open up the door for you

[Taylor Swift]
And all I feel in my stomach is butterflies
The beautiful kind, making up for lost time,
Taking flight, making me feel like

[Both]
I just wanna know you better, know you better, know you better now
I just wanna know you better, know you better, know you better now
I just wanna know you better, know you better, know you better now
I just wanna know you, know you, know you

[Both]
'Cause all I know is we said, "Hello."
And your eyes look like coming home
All I know is a simple name
Everything has changed
All I know is you held the door
And you'll be mine and I'll be yours
All I know since yesterday is everything has changed

Come back and tell me why
I'm feeling like I've missed you all this time, oh, oh, oh.
And meet me there tonight
And let me know that it's not all in my mind.

[Taylor Swift]
I just wanna know you better, know you better, know you better now
I just wanna know you, know you, know you

[Both]
All I know is we said, "Hello."
And your eyes look like coming home
All I know is a simple name
Everything has changed
All I know is you held the door
You'll be mine and I'll be yours
All I know since yesterday is everything has changed

[Taylor Swift]
All I know is we said, "Hello."
So dust off your highest hopes
All I know is pouring rain and everything has changed
All I know is a new found grace
All my days I'll know your face
All I know since yesterday is everything has changed

Challenge Accepted (Sample Chapter)

Here's a sample of the new story I'm working on.  You can purchase my last one, If You Go, I Go, for Kindle here.  If you purchase it, please let me know your thoughts by leaving a review.  Also, all of the sales from this story go directly to Open Our Eyes' recovery efforts.

***************

I’m something not everyone knows how to love.  But, she does.  She accepted that challenge.  I wake up in the middle of the night and roll over.  She’s still there.  She’s always there.  I position half of my body on top of her in a way that doesn't cause her to wake.  We lay heartbeat to heartbeat.  Every time she inhales, it pulls my heart closer into hers.  She is the roots that keep me grounded into this place. 

She is home to me.

***************

I did an interview last week about If You Go, I Go.  I was asked why the story was so tragic.  My response?  Because that's life.  Things can be extremely good, as shown through Allyson and Conor falling in love.  But things can also be extremely bad.  Life has both, which is why this story shows both.  I'm not a pessimist as many people have pegged me mainly because of this story.  The new short story title, Challenge Accepted, actually started as a joke because my mum suggested that I was incapable of writing a happy love story.  I think I have a different concept of happy than most people.  Authenticity makes me happy.  Challenge Accepted is an authentic love story... interpret that however you'd like.

I just want to hold your hand.

We were walking around the mall trying to decide where to eat for lunch.  I reached for your hand the way I'd seen all the other boys and girls doing that passed us.  You immediately pulled away.  I didn't understand.  All I knew was that I was 15 and in love and all I wanted to do was hold your hand.

After lunch, we went to see a movie.  As we walked in the theater and searched for seats, I reached for your hand again.  After all, I'd seen all the other couples doing the same thing.  You had the same reaction as before.  I was so confused.  I was 15.  I was in love.  I just wanted to hold your hand.

This continued for a few weeks before I finally questioned you.  I asked why you were keeping us a secret.  Were you ashamed of me?  Was it the tie that Avril Lavigne had convinced me was cool?  Was it the extra pounds you'd lost that I'd somehow found?  You assured me I was perfect in every way, that our love was perfect but the world just wouldn't understand.  I told you I didn't understand.  You told me I would as I got older and asked me to drop the topic altogether.  You were always saying things like that.  I wanted to understand now.  The only thing I could wrap my head around was that I was 15 and in love and all I wanted was to hold your dang hand.

It was Saturday morning and I was watching cartoons.  Yes, I was 15 and too cool to kiss my mother goodbye when she dropped me off at school; however I would never be too cool to watch Pepper Ann with my Cinnamon Toast Crunch.  I heard the AOL chime from my computer and ignored it.  Then it happened again.  And again.  By the fourth time, I knew it had to be you because only you would ignore my SaTuRdAy MoRnInG CaRtOoNs away message.  I put on my “I’m 15 and in love” smile and hopped on Instant Messenger.

You sent me paragraphs of explanations and expletives.  It was too much to process.  Only certain words stood out.  Your friend.  Scotty.  Beaten.  Stabbed.  Strangled.  Burned.  DEAD.

I was 15.
I was in love.
And I finally understood why I couldn't hold your hand.

Exactly 9 years later...  I’m now 24 and in love and not afraid to hold her hand.  I wish Scotty could have lived to see this.

(Note: This is not to say that life on the Gulf Coast is completely different.  There are still certain times of night and certain areas where we drop hands.  There are still even times when we are holding hands that I can feel stares and hear whispers.  But, I'm not 15 anymore and afraid for my life every time I hold a girl's hand.  Times are slowly changing.)

Two weeks.

"I believe that suffering is part of the narrative, and that nothing really good gets built when everything’s easy." -Shauna Niequist

It's been exactly two weeks and it still hurts like it was yesterday. I lost something. I lost a part of myself. 

I've recently become REALLY obsessed with Vampire Diaries. One of the vampire perks is the ability to erase someone's memory. One of the main vampires, Damon, uses this power to erase the memory of someone who really cared about who was dealing an incredible loss. He didn't think his friend could handle the suffering so he aided him with forgetfulness. Very Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. 

I've been thinking about that a lot lately, especially in the past week. If I could erase this event from my memory, would I? Most days are harder than others, so I'd say yes. But then there are days like today when I come across things like the Niequist quote. 

I say all of that to say this: things happen. Really really awful things happen. It sucks and it's not fair and it's life. And it really does make you stronger. It doesn't happen over night and I'm not saying I'm at that point by any means. But I will be. And I find comfort in that.

And so should you. 

No New Friends?

Everywhere I turn, someone is quoting Drake's No New Friends which is ironic because my new friends are the best thing that's ever happened to me.

No one's perfect until you fall in love.

I'm sorry that I'm not as perfect as you thought.  I wish I could be that kind of perfect.

But you are perfect.  Your "imperfections" are the very things that make you exquisitely you thus making me love you even more.

Tuesday Tunes: Sequoyah Prep School

I rarely take music suggestions from other people because I'm an elitist snob.  However, about two months ago a friend suggested Sequoyah Prep School and I've been obsessed ever since.  Ghost Town is definitely my favorite album.  I've chosen my 15 favorite songs and you can listen to them here on Spotify.

Let me know what you think of them.

Also, let me know what you're listening to.  I'm trying to break my music snobbish ways.

Tuesday Tunes: Wake Me Up

I should ink my skin with your name
And take my passport out again
And just replace it
See I could do without a tan
On my left hand,
Where my fourth finger meets my knuckle
And I should run you a hot bath
And fill it up with bubbles

'Cause maybe you're loveable
And maybe you're my snowflake
And your eyes turn from green to gray
In the winter I'll hold you in a cold place
And you should never cut your hair
'Cause I love the way you flick it off your shoulder

And you will never know
Just how beautiful you are to me
But maybe I'm just in love
When you wake me up

And would you ever feel guilty if you did the same to me?
Could you make me a cup of tea to open my eyes in the right way?
And I know you love Shrek
‘Cause we've watched it 12 times
But maybe you're hoping for a fairy tale too
And if your DVD breaks today
You should've got a VCR
Because I've never owned a Blue ray, true say

And now I always been shit at computer games
And your brother always beats me
And if I lost, I’d go across and chuck all the controllers at the TV
And then you’d laugh at me
And be asking me
If I'm gonna be home next week
And then you'd lie with me 'til I fall asleep
And flutter eye lash on my cheek between the sheets

And you will never know
Just how beautiful you are to me
But maybe I'm just in love
When you wake me up

And I think you hate the smell of smoke
You always try to get me to stop
But you drink as much as me
And I get drunk a lot
So I'll take you to the beach
And walk along the sand
And I'll make you a heart pendant
With a pebble held in my hand
And I'll carve it like a necklace
So the heart falls where your chest is
And now a piece of me is a piece of the beach
And it falls just where it needs to be
And rests peacefully
So you just need to breathe
To feel my heart against yours now, against yours now

‘Cause maybe I'm just in love when you wake me up
Or maybe I'm just in love when you wake me up
Maybe I fell in love when you woke me up

Ed Sheeran 

Yes, I'm still a Mormon.

I've been wanting to write this blog for quite some time now but have put it off because contrary to popular opinion, I do not like controversy.  Especially when it comes to matters of the heart like faith and religion.  However, tonight I had a really long talk with my Father and He laid a lot of things on my heart that needed to be poured into this blog.  I welcome open and honest conversation but please tread lightly.  This blog is not meant to negatively represent any group of people.  It's about my experience and my experience alone.  It's also important to note that I'm changing/growing/learning every single day.  The things I believe today are not the things I believed yesterday and not the things I will believe next week, probably.  That's the awesome thing about having a relationship with God - He (or She or whatever you want to call it) challenges you to open your eyes and explore different possibilities daily.  

Before you continue reading, I encourage you to take a deep breath.  Open your heart.  Remember grace and all of those other Christian buzzwords we often throw around in services but tend to completely disregard them when having real conversations, particularly in the blogosphere.  

++++++++++++

I identify as Mormon.  I also identify as queer.  My home is and always will be in the MCC Church.

Let that sink in for a minute.

Now, let me explain...

Church, to me, is more about community and less about doctrine.  (I know that statement is going to ruffle a lot of feathers, so again I ask you, tread lightly.)  Church is like a spiritual hospital where sick people (like all of us humans) can go to receive help.  That help is found through grace and grace alone.  This healing, I've only found in the MCC church, particularly Cornerstone.

I believe in the restoration of the Gospel but more importantly, I believe in inclusive love and intentional outreach to marginalized members of society.  Ya know, actually being the hands and feet of Christ.  I'm also really drawn to passionate worship.  This is what brought me to Cornerstone almost four years ago.  And this is what will keep me there forever.

The loveliest thing about MCC is that we are not encourage to abandon our previous practices/beliefs (as long as they're in line with the gospel, of course) but to also understand that just because it works for us, doesn't mean it works for everyone else.  It's important to find that balance.  I still read my scriptures (including D&C, which are my favorites) daily, follow the Institute lessons, countdown the days until conference, subscribe to Ensign, fast on the first Sunday and my CTR ring will not leave my finger until its replaced with a wedding band.  But most importantly, twice a week I get to walk into the sanctuary holding the hand of the woman I love if I choose, and worship God in communion with people I can truly see His face in.  There aren't any hoops I have to jump through to eat at His table each Sunday.  My sexual organs do not limit me from serving in leadership roles.  

I know many people say this about their church but I believe Cornerstone is exactly what Christ had in mind when he stated to Peter that upon this rock, He'd build his Church.

I see people like Joanna and Natalie and it gives me hope for the future of the Mormon church.  It's still a major part of my identity but it's nowhere I'll ever call home again.  However I'm still thankful for people like these two ladies who are really empowering to those who have chosen to stick it out with the church in hopes of change.  And I do believe that change is coming.  God reveals things to people when they're ready.  His timing is always perfect.  We just have to trust that.

This is me when my world stops turning.

I still remember the feelings I felt the night I told you I was too heavy for your arms and you promised you were strong enough to take care of me, anyway.  It's hard to forget them when I feel them every time I receive as little as a good morning text from you.

Everything is so different now.  

The conversations barely scratch the surface of anything deeper than the weather.  And I lay my head on my pillow every night in hopes of falling asleep only to start thinking of you.  Every.  Single.  Night.  And you?  You are sound asleep before you even count to the third sheep.  I'm so in love with who I wish you (still) were.

You are the way my heart beats.

And you are the words my tongue speaks. 

And I will die if you leave me.

All good things are wild and free.

I'm on vacation in the British Virgin Islands for a few weeks.

It began with total first world problems...

On the plane ride here...

After landing, I had to take a boat to the actual island I'm staying on...

 Everyone knows what a picky eater I am, so I've been surviving off of this...

I finally got tired of eating like a bird, so I hiked this...

It was just as intense as it looks.  However, it was totally worth it because in the end I got this...

I've been waking up to this every morning for Fajr... 

I spend a lot of time laying out by the pool trying to finish this next story...

I have to be careful not to move too much when by the pool, though.  One wrong step and I will slip and plummet to my death on these rocks...